man what a week i had...we were having guard duty during the macritchie run den b4 the duty we had alot of excess time with no activity so as all nice ncc cadets do we talk cock xD... well basically everyone was like telling mi how i do not deserve my post and asking how the hell i got it and why they did not get the post they like blah blah...
well that kindda settles it i am officially the guy that u cannot let beat...the same thing happened during spec course where half the platoon was shocked i got 2nd sgt...well isit that hard to believe that when it is time to be serious i am?baa maybe i will always be looked down upon by my same age grp and frowned upon by my seniors?it is like so frigging disturbing that my impression on others is that of a failure so like what the hell maybe that will make it easier for mi to prove to them that i can be better den them xD
well as that is said i prob gonna turn in for the night less thinking is done when i am sick lols ...

well so far the week has been 1 of mixed emotions but mostly nth really worth being happy about for if there is smth it is quickly over shadowed by smth that like hell isn't worth even thinking of.
so anyway got selected for obs though mr limbun came to me on monday only for me 2 hand in the form on wednesday so basically it was a rush to go for that check up and the bullshit.well he had an attitude to match as well...Again my platoon mate benny got really upset i was chosen over him and kept making fun of me...well mun wah did the same as well so like wtf maybe i am afterall this guy that shld nvr be ahead of u?well though their words do sting nth really matters does it?we are all doomed in this frigging world...ARGH i am sinking back into this screwed up attitude that i know i shld change but does anybody give a damn?they still remember for who i was...is anything worth it at all?is anything worth changing for anymore?
i am also finding that it is getting difficult to speak with those around me...everything i say is judged and if i accomplish smth nobody gives a damn so how the hell did things ever get so bad?why is it only now i realise that life can keep screwing up,screwing u over and over and over again...suddenly this tunnel i am in decided to open a pot hole under me.
well yesterday jason from 3a decided to strangle and punch me i have totally no idea why i did not retaliate the fight in me has been extinguished somehow when u endure enough you suddenly no longer see any need to fight back it is like some one removed ur fists and u suddenly feel no need for it animore...
lol i am also screwing up a couple of my bilateral relationship with that friend i have no idea why i no longer have the patience to talk to her maybe it is because i am feeling so strained?

lol..brought the part Bs to their imt practice in yishun safra well can't say i was absolutely happy with their performance but what the hell when my part and i take over that must be changed i suppose...well as usual i ended up talking cock with the sirs..some how i always end up talking with the older bunch of ppl,i am some how attracted to maturity for when talking 2 people younger den me it makes mi feel that i am going 2 go retarded...well aniway we ended up talking about economics to philosophy and back 2 life questions...well can't say that talking cocking u wun learn anything for he enlightened me with a couple of facts well most grim that is...Basically in a law of economics there is a fixed amount of money in this world if u wish 2 be a rich nation u must make another nation poor for money do not grow well that is point no1
point no2 is that the poor will only get poorer while the rich richer...well as hard 2 believe as that is it is actually true so what the hell yeah?hmm a couple of simple truths u only have 1 shot in everything in life if u screw up once that is it u will be given up for dead there is no such thing as a second chance and in singapore u prob will be considered lucky to be even given half a chance so in short we are screwed...well told him a couple of my own theories well he can't seem to have any thing 2 say about it but just 2 agree well that just is kindda boring there was no lively arguement all he said was yes and changed the subject just cuz he doesn't fully comprehand my point. is it so diffifcult to understand we are the flaw on this Earth? the problems we are trying to solve are the very problems we once created...why do we even need money?why is there poverty? is it not all because we wish to outstrive each other and prove ourselves better den others?we are the bane of our existence if i may be so bold 2 say we might even be that flaw in god's plan of earth...

lol yesterday must have been one of the most emotion filled training ever...raw nerves were everywhere and with anger also comes tears..It started of simple enough cadets angry with ncos for pushing them to far and decides to skip training...ncos disappointed in themselves and the cadets they meet up for a final goodbye to trash matters out...
the most promising became the ones who turned their backs on the unit..haha it is so typical..told chi jie once that it is so erotic to see the great fall guess he didn't expect that i was talking about him huh?the ncos however well those who cried are those that will nvr break completely there are those whose are the ductile...for i some how have this feeling those who make a shield around themselves like the csm when they break they will shatter broken to a million pieces unable to be fixed...well we shall wait and see...for the tears that ever flowed is but a fool's weakness to emotions but also the strength to those...
on another note mdm suckeena(doubful that is how u spell her name but whatever)had to talk to me i guess this is like the fourth occasion that the same teacher talked to me...she was like telling this and that about me having issues with my frustrations and me bottling everything in myself and that help is always there all i have to do is ask for it...
well isn't this extremely contridictive...if if i have issues they mine to solve and if already knowing i bottle things up why bother asking mi what issues i have when u already know i do... ah well....

haha..i have been only alive for 15 odd years and i have already begun to lose contact with my old friends -.-" what happened to the promises to stay in touch?The times that we have had with them??would they still remember how it was like?why is change the only constant?why do some say that marriage is the grave of relationships?Is it because we change?or is it because some things are nvr meant to be?maybe it is because we are busy?with what the hell?studying,getting a "better" life?it makes no sense why are we letting people rule our life?why did we give them such a power?why do we work so hard for comfort if we stopped working we will be living in comfort?life is so contradictive and so is society...How often do we wish to be at the top of the rat race so we can afford for luxuries?
we are hypocrites the very bane of our own existence...maybe arnachy is the way to go??power corrupts absolutely everybody as the saying go absolute power corrupts absolutely...but the point is not the government for they are but humans as well but is why do we let other govern us?what gives them the right to take the lives of others? they are not god our life is our own ? or is it they believe they are only releasing the soul to some where it can do less harm?why are they not given a chance to change?why makes it different if u hang a murderer? wld u not be one as well?(another irony) . our human existence is flawed but is it us? or is it actually perfect but being greedy we wish for perfection?

argh!!!I have nvr felt so vulnerable where a light breeze can blow me away...nvr have i let so many down in this short span of time...disappointment is much worse compared to hate and anger for with time anger can be qualmed and with it the hate but wounds will leave scars...
trust is always given but once lost it can nvr be found again and you are onli left with one chance to impact the lives of those around u,unless u belive in second first impressions which are currently found in only fantasy love stories which most gurls luvv 2 read for it is romantic and day dreaming for smth in which most of us indulge in for we wish 2 see hope.As in the pandora box hope was released as well but if hope is found in the pandora's box shld it not be considered evil as well??
may god have mercy on my soul for i have sinned...argh!!! what bullshit is this have we all not nsinned at least one in our life my record is far from clean maybe when we die everything will catch up with us?we maybe able 2 avoid judgement all the consequence for now but everything will come back to haunt us nothing goes unseen nth go unpunished.maybe that is why armaggedon is also known as judgement day...everyday ppl go to court to get tried by laws we create by ourselves the very system itself being flawed the sinners are not those who are being tried but those who carry out the so called justice.i am not saying murdering is correct but who are we to punish ther muderer are we not but humans as well?what gives us the sense of superiority?

right...i have totally no idea why the hell i am blogging right now for i am feeling like shit maybe that is why huh?friday was totally screwed up by any counts.First was ncc and in which we screwed up big time i have no idea why did i do stuff i totally disagreed with.First i was pissed with seitawan but i did not confront him but just vent my frustrations behind his back like a total hypocrite and back stabber(though i did no back stabing) but nonetheless it felt the same.Followed by that i went against everything i ever felt i was totally inclined to let him walk over me with no sense of pride and ego maybe my negative side is already setting in.Next was when ky was asking us who shld be ic though i wanted to be ic really badly i still gave in for i knew he wanted it just as badly and i was beating myself over it.Directly after the training we were debriefed by sir royce and mistakes we allegedly made in his vocabulary of things we shld not do...i am not saying that his vocabulary is only found in a dictionary called sir royce dictionary but the fact remains everything we done was what we were told by other ncos/sirs and how are we to be blamed for following orders?Followed by that we "commited" mistakes we did not know were mistakes but nonetheless that did not matter to him,maybe what we did were indeed serious but personally to be punished for smth u did not was wrong is unfair and for that we had to continue 100...
As if that was not bad enought when i logged on to msn boy was i in for a surprise.Somebody who i treasured alot as a friend came up to me telling me how disappointed she is in me...The feeling was like some psychopath poping out in a sch and smashing the ice in ur glass into smithereens,boy i wasn't prepared for it everything just went down the drain every reason that i had to change just vanished was my behaviour change for the better just on the outside but my core as rotten as ever if not worse?Just because i was indecisive in what i did or rather how i handle the situation?i wish that she is here to read this post for i wish to tell her that everything i do i have a reason.That i beg for her to be more mature it does not mean that if someone else likes you,you would have to reciprocate the feelings nothing is ever that simple.Also the reason i am not swift in carrying out the actions of my decisions is solely because i still empahtize with her emotions for i cannot bear to see her tears maybe what i have done is indeed no help if not an irony for by trying 2 lessen the pain i might have indeed added more but i have no wish for that to occur the first place and to me that is the correct thing to do and that i wish that u respect if not try to understand the notion of my actions furthermore i was led to believe that everything was already alright and our stands clear therefore i continued my actions is it wrong to care for a friend?Moments later u told mi when i meet a new female friend i flirt and sweet talk but do u not remember i show my genuine side later?Do you not remember that it is not just a facade i do try to help if they are in need and that if we do not flirt why not we just remain in monastries that i see no sense.
When she told me all these as said i was disturbed following that i was totally upset maybe if she is willing to forgo our friendship for another maybe this friendship is not worth saving like anything in this world is in the first place....Argh now i am totally losing it i have not drunk at this rate as i had before two bottles in a day?My liver is so going 2 get it nothing is going as planned nth is going right fuck i might as well just bang my head against the wall damn it i have not felt this violent or inclined to injure myself,anybody in a long time the feeling of impotence of not being able to do anything is really getting to me.I thought we could be friends longer than this but apparantly i am mistaken i knew that one day our friendship would fade to black but not this soon i guess it is always too soon to try to climb out the shell of pessimism that i built around myself the cynicsm that insulated me i guess it will have 2 be awhile b4 i give it a try once more.Maybe it is retribution for how i treated serena maybe, maybe not...I always had doubts about her,if she was ever genuine or is she just plastic...I have no idea why she had to rake up any of the past about cher to cause me all this problems whether intentional to have such adverse an impact on me as well as my relationship with her i have totally no idea but i have no idea why my friend believed her or even got influenced by her in the first place for had rena not just once lied to her but subsequently betrayed her as well just to come crawling back when she felt that she had lost the fight?Maybe all this is but a lie and i am just a frigging pawn in her books.I have no idea to be this confused is something i am totally not used to for i usually have a clear notion on what to do i am some one with plans though i already formulated 1 already and it is already in play i do not have the zest to make it work the enthusiasm is no longer there for maybe it is time that this friendship ended anyway as much as i am going 2 miss it if the other party does not feel the same way there is no reason for me to carry on with it either...But just for her to know if there is anything i can do to make things up i will not stop short i will go through or nine yards and she means that much to me more den any person in a long while...the friendship is that important to me hopefully u will see it the same way as i do even solitude begs companion.