to serve to strive and not to yield

well today we had to clean up the ncc room...so anyway when mr beh came to brief us on what to do blah blah he wanted to speak to me...Yea aniwae had a rough idea what he will be going to tell me...Cause as expected if u take on the role as the bad guy someone is going to be unhappy...maybe they feel i dun deserve the post of aps?But why all the knives aimed at me?isit because i am like the weakest link?why do they think they are superior to me?who are they to judge?how can they remain unbiased?Maybe my past actions are coming to bite me in the ass? is this going to pull me down, this baggage of historical records on my behaviour? spec course some how had the same effect where many of those in the same platoon as me were shocked that i got 2ndsgt while they got 3rd...
well maybe i do deserve to get backstabbed by risheng and ong they each have their reason.ong is just cause he has nothing to lose he is like this sad dude struggling to give his best but still the current is going against him drowning him as the fact still remains there is a limit to hardwork and where pure genius comes in.Risheng how ever is a person who cannot admit his own wrong doing or smth like tt. well i might even go as far to say that he is funny a moment he is telling me that he is all ok with what i done for i did explain why i had to pump him but the next moment he is doing all he can to give me a bad name...apparantly i am the 1 who they want to join their ranks or smth like tt so i am basically walking on thin ice in the middle of spring mwhahahahah....
well going to go for obs soon maybe it will all be over soon and everything will be alright yeah...

hmm... so i am going for obs on monday mwhahahha i am so going to enjoy it... like hell i will...lol maybe obs will give me that break to sort myself out? I must be a great liar and a hypocrite half the things i say i don't believe in it but nonetheless it worked for those i said them to lol like what the hell man?
well anyways had been a fucked up week like how does it feel to find out the person u like, likes some1 else lol...And it is possible for u to help that person.. pretty fucked up but like what the hell i was nvr 1 who follows the rule... so might as well be unselfish and help her... but it is like a moment i feel like helping the other feel like saboing!!! mwhahahahha ah fuck... i am going nuts damn it better nt fail chinese test man... come to think english test i might have flunked cuz 90% of the class did if mr lum lied but if he didn't den woots haha...
i just realised playing with minds is really fun it like a game u get to open it up prod it and play around with the insides magnifying fear or basically just screwing it around hell maybe i wanna be a psychiatrist

ok!! officially mr limbun hates me...mr beh actually nominated me for colours award but limbun removed me!!Anyways had a talk with mr beh on friday and he told me about it along with the fact that most likely i will nt be put up for colours award for if i dun get it he will be depriving some1 else from getting it so...i am pawned how the hell will i know an old bastard like him will have a wrath...bah!!
if i wasn't already pissed with that i had to contend with taking my part for this totally stupid ceremony for the R.O.D(relive of duty) for the ncos(officers).Along with the leak of posts there is a whole lot of raw nerves and backstabbing going around.so the first thing i enter i got to be disrespected and totally disregarded along with a pinch of bitterness and attitude thrown into the mix as well...So aniwae half way thru the training he got too far so i had to let off some steam...he walked right into me with blatant disregard to anything i said well so i kindda lost it i pushed him back..well he shouted back with everything he was unhappy about...why is he unable to face it?why he can't just accept the fact that i am better den him? u can say that is bragging and snobbish but the fact remains that i was chosen over him with the person chosing not being biased?why can't he see that he is thinking too highly of himself and just because he is jealous does not give him the right to look down on me?i have my pride as well and though i can tolerate there is still a limit that u shld nt cross?aniwaes that was sort out but what is weird is the fact that i feel that i do not wish to have revenge...i think i am getting too soft the fear that ppl used to have in me is gone well maybe i was asking for it or shit like that...
aniway later on friday night i met with sir sulaiman under my block to pass him smth den we had this really long chat on the conflict in that is because of this post thingy...If only we are able to swallow our pride and just admit the fact that some1 is better den u and be noble enough to let that person take over so dat he can help the unit? we are a group of fucked up ppl we have this ego that we cannot lose this pride that is hindering our rationale thoughts...nobody is perfect but why is everyone so flawed?me included why are we victims to our own characteristics we are letting smth we have absolute control over absolutely control us?why this nonsensical crap?