if i am alive,why do i feel so dead??why do i feel like i am being held down??my head always so heavy??why do i feel so grounded??why do i am no longer able to find the light at the end of the tunnel??why am i drowning??why is no1 handing my a hand??why am i sinking into doubt??am i getting paranoid??who am i??am i living in a shadow of myself??am i going to be forgetten??am i going to fade into nothingnesS??why am i stuck in a sea full of doubt that is so thick and convoluted i am not me?

*Sigh* just chatted with gene's gf vera lol she seems interesting enough with a bright personality to match...well she asked me to wish gene a happy birthday but somehow i did not feel incline to do so,so i just asked her...

aniwaes i have no idea why our friendship degenerated to such a pathetic state...is the fault mine?? or is the fault is his??i prefer to think that it is mine well that is just what logic dictates i suppose...haha he moved on maybe i should...well not maybe i definitely should...

friends can be kept foreva and they cannot be this just so happens to be 1 that cannot...it has peaked and is now in decline but so??does anithing really matter??i am contridiciting myself being a hypocrite i know exactly what i am doing haha i am blaming myself to be who i said i nvr shld be well...well it is kindda expected i am hypocritical i guess just that no1 really knows nor really care ...friends do i have??maybe...maybe not??

is it because i am entering into myself??do i only find solitude in myself that inner peace??that understanding??i am not saying i am so fascinatingly complicated no1 understands me i am just saying i don't feel understood either that or i am in denial of being understood ...do i even know me??i can't say i do for i don't ...i hate who i see i am for i no longer have an identity of my own i am merging to personalities that come and go i am nothing but a facade...i am not real ... i do not exist

haha some great lyrics i found
PapaRoach Tyranny Of Normality
The media is the seduction of human desire(Set their money, set their money on fire)And if you try to show me the truthThen I know you're a liar, a liarIt's the tyranny of normalityIt's the tyranny of normalityOur culture has become complacent and has no desire(Take back, take back our empire)And the ethical slaughter of truthNeeds to be retired, retiredIt's the tyranny of normalityIt's the tyranny of normalityIt's the death of outrageI want to turn a new pageI mourn the death of outrageThe obituary's on the front pageSince the death of outrageI want to turn a new pageI'll mourn the death of outrageThe obituary's on the front pageIt's the death of outrageI mourn the death of outrageThe obituary's on the front pageIt's the tyranny of normalityIt's the tyranny of normalityIt's the tyranny of normality

i have no idea what i am doing blogging at 1 in the morning on a school day...but some how i am...well that is abit retarded cuz it is like a duh question..but wth man i feel as though i am being bottled up...with so much i wish to say but have no idea who i shld turn to...nobody i feel i can trust or i dun wish to trouble i am stuck in this it is as though every step i take is a step towards the wrong...what can go wrong will go wrong...

who really understands me??does that person even exist??why is it everywhere i turn i don't see solutions but another problem i have to solve??why is it who i cannot be and wish not to be is everything everyone wants me to be??why am i being controlled??why does every1 wants a say in how i shld lead my life??

BUT why am i listening??why am i conforming to suit what they want??why have i nulled myself??my opening to release that anger of mine removed??that i can only explode into myself??why did i spend the entire afternoon in a room with the radio blasting so loud i can't hear myself think??is it because i do not wish to be with reality animore??or is it because i feel so lost that by losing myself more i wld find myself unlost??

everybody is too lost in their problems there is no longer a shoulder to lean on...no one to hug,no one to share ur triumphs no one to share ur grief maybe thats why we have religions,that pillar of str we find when there is nothing around...

But den why am i so cynical of religion??is it because i need to see to believe?? is the reason that i feel only the blind can truely believe??am i the reason for my own confusion ??maybe i am just rambling nothing really makes sense why u live in a world trying to make sense to sense