I am afraid to die i am afraid to live afraid to find out what happens after death afraid to find out what happens tomorrow...it is sometimes frightening to see how much death and life have in common...Both lies in uncertainty and a whole host of possibilities maybe just maybe death represents not our final destination but rather it embodies the idea of life itself?are we to figure out upon death that it is merely an opportunity to click the reset button in our life this chance to undo the wrongs and to rights the right maybe heaven is where we are able to lead the life we wish we are leading now...
Do i believe that i will meet god upon death?yes i do but how god will look like or how he wld react to me i have no idea...i am going to say he will probably know what i am going to ask and he will have all the right answers but i guess i will have to wait to die to see what happens ...to meet that omnipotent and omniscience entity...the creator my maker...it is recently that i feel that death might not be that bad and now i have this ridiculous hope that i will be killed...Firstly because i do not wish to commit suicide..you might say that this shows cowardice on my part for i am afraid to kill myself but i am merely following god's word on not commiting suicide and definitely to the special people in my life and this equilibrium that my life is balancing on right now is on a razor... I AM BEING FOOLISH....Olvls is doing this to me!!

Tomorrow is ROD day...after four years, excruciating years, and ecstatic years, years spent in sweat pain anguish in joy in camaraderie as well as hours spent together with the people I call platoon mates the very people that I both love and hate...if you guys have yet to notice my words are filled with paradox and this very well explains the dilemma that I have within me… NCC has never been always enjoyable but though we go through literally hell. Through the tough and rough turbulent waves of training…my emotions choke me by my neck whenever I reminiscence about the past I do not know whether I should scream and shout the frustrations within me or rather speak fondly of the memories I share with 20 other guys. Everything is fresh within my brain and being a Part A cadet (sec 1) and progressing through the system. Maybe I am tad bit sadistic but I have a strong believe that the tough and nightmarish things we went through is what I hold on most tightly to…maybe it is through this pain a bond built up between me and them, my platoon mates and what my PART A platoon sat has said we might not be real brothers but we will be brothers bonded by tears and sweat and now that at the end of my journey of ncc I realized that what he said cannot be any truer for now after the accumulation of this two ingredients which the trainings provided plenty of , I look back and this fact blatantly stares me in between the eyes.

NCC might not have provided a lot but I guess to many extents it is like the army. What we gain is intangible for I have learnt no new skills that can be graded however I believe I have learnt EQ (narcissistic but I feel is true) less arsehole but nonetheless I feel that ncc has harden me as a person amongst other reasons maybe it is how I dealt with the emotional and physical stress that ncc has placed me through feeling both stretched to the limit and on the verge of breaking where I learnt the term fatigue and pure exhaustion

NCC has definitely molded me as a person if not it has changed me. Though it does not deserve all the credit it has considerably shaped me destroying the optimism destroying the joy I see in this way changing me to a brutal pessimist and cynic. Though many would say that this is a negative subject I do believe it has served me well in terms of preparation for projects and expectations I place on people. Maybe I will blog about happier ideas and thoughts after the ROD ceremony but at least now I have found my reason to improve and strive to find the positivity within me and maybe just maybe undo the damage to character ncc has caused though the discipline I should keep….